Build it up, Tear it down.

People these days throw the word love around all the time.  Hell, I throw it around sometimes too.  It is a meaningless word most of the time, but more often than not I hear it and it makes me happy.  Somebody loves me.  “Love”.  You hear it and think “Yes, I am wanted here.” and then you realize that the word is simply four letters strung together to create some conception of attachment.  The next time you hear it, it has less of an effect, until each time you hear it it is as though you are being stabbed by a needle in the heart.  You think “They love me, but it’s not the love I am looking for.”  It is the love of friendship, not the love of truth.  The search for that type of love has recently been weighing heavily on my mind.  I do not function well alone.

I tend to become attached to people quite easily, and it freaks people out a lot of the time and screws things up most of the time.  More often then not, to add to that issue I lash out at those I am attached to, causing them to recoil both their enjoyment of me and their trust in me.  If someone can be attached to another, yet still lash out violently (verbally, physically, emotionally…) at them, what kind of person is being dealt with?  Most would go straight to psychopath.

The very fact that I can be laughing with someone and then verbally attacking them within the course of a single conversation makes certain things difficult.  Quite frankly, it seems like I am my own worst enemy when it comes to friendship (whether platonic or more).  I seem to build myself up, and then proceed to tear myself down again.  Pull people in, then push them out.  It doesn’t help that every time (almost without fail) that I push someone out or lash out at them, I end up turning on myself as a form of punishment.  All I can see when I look at myself is a failed endeavor.  I guess I just can’t seem to learn my lesson.  I don’t get it.  I don’t like it.  I’m tired of it.

Like a Skipping Record

It’s funny, this little trait of humanity, how we have the capacity to make the same mistakes over and over again, yet never learn our lesson.  While we can accomplish the task of learning a lesson for some things, there are other mistakes that we are bound to repeatedly make for what seems like eternity.  We can be told that we are making said mistakes, we can say to ourselves “That is the last time.”, we can do any number of things in the hopes of preventing the re-occurrence, but it still always happens none-the-less.

Watching your friend fall for a girl who is a complete and total bitch, for instance.  You can tell him to open his eyes and watch her in a pure light for a few minutes, but he will still fall for her, because she is “perfect”.  This phenomenon (guys falling for bitches and girls falling for assholes) seems to be a species-specific thing.  There is actually a pretty good paper online that discusses it, here.  The phrase “Nice guys always finish last” seems to ring true in these situations more than ever.  This friend is a really good guy, and deserves someone so much better (who also happens to be right in front of him, but dating an asshole).  The irony, right?

I made a mistake tonight too.  I told myself I would be able to stop myself if the situation came up again, but… well it’s history now.  I have always coped with things in a strange manner.  When I used to get angry at work I would clean like God was coming to visit.  When I was unhappy in middle school I would turn to food.  When things get to be too stressful, well, the sharp objects come out to make everything slow down for a little bit.  While it is completely counter-productive, it works for that split second when it truly matters.  It gets me by when it seems like nothing else ever possibly could.  It gets me through those dark nights as if it were a flashlight illuminating the path before me.  Horrible analogy, but it seems to fit at the moment.

Throughout high school it acted as  a sort of anxiety suppressor, as well as a form of artistic inspiration.  The only visual or written art that I truly appreciate and am fond of were created during or after episodes of self-injury and under high levels stress and anxiety.  In college, it functions in much the same way, but I have not created any art in the past two years that I am fond of in the least.  Sure, I have written some stuff, created some elaborate plot lines, but I cannot look at them and say “Hey, I like this.  This is good stuff.”

Well, in news that actually matters in the here-and-now… I registered for my spring semester classes today.  I got into all of the classes I hoped to except a 20th Century Military History course.  I e-mailed the professor in hopes of being written in, and have not yet received a response from him.  I hope I can be written into the course, because otherwise I will be taking introductory Christian Theology, not something I particularly care about.  According to some who have taken the course with various professors, three everyday words will get me through it:  “I”, “love”, and “God”.  Joyous day.  What ever happened to that whole “Neither Catholic views nor Christianity as a whole will be pushed upon you at this university” spiel?  There are two Christian theology courses required!  That’s a bit different.  Eh, I can stumble through the Bible just as good as the next kid.

But hey.  It’s 5Am.  I need to get to sleep.  Peace.

_Tom.

Lil’ Ol’ Me.

Sorry for doing a Meme, but I couldn’t help it.

Okay, let the meme begin.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Ah jeeze. I look rough… Work is gonna suck.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Cash… on me? $29.00.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Sore. What my back is right now.

4. Favorite planet?
Pluto. Oh wait… You said planet? Mars.

5. Who is the first person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My boss, asking me to come in for a phantom shift today.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
“The Theft” by Atreyu, though my phone is a screw and doesn’t always recognize that it exists in memory.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Green, burgundy, and creme striped polo.

8. Do you label yourself?
Sometimes… diabetic, geek, nerd, dork, awesome…

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing:
Feet.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Dark room. Makes the back of my eyelids darker.

11. Why is there always a missing question?
To see who pays enough attention to catch the error and bring everyone who did not notice up to speed on their ignorance.

12. What does your watch look like?
It is a Timex Expedition, brown leather band, silver hardware.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Waiting for my caffeine buzz to wear off so I could go to sleep for a few hours.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
“Ha ha its cool. yea, id like to hang, ill be over in a little bit? is that good?” Grammar and punctuation skills – not my girlfriend’s strongest attributes.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
No clue. It has changed from 7-11 to a Sheetz to a Blimpies to something else.

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?
“Ah”.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
My girlfriend.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My cat, in an attempt to keep his sorry butt inside
for the night. He thinks he knows how to fight, but
every night gets his butt handed to him by the
neighbor’s 60 pound behemoth, Catzilla.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Two. Exedrin and Insulin.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
I have one roll, but I’ve got a few digitals to sort through on my computer.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
16, pre-D. Although 18 is not all that bad.

22. Your worst enemy?
Stupid people, and people who take things completely out of context.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
An abstract something that I drew.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
“Have fun at your sister’s house, love you baby.”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?
A million bucks, I’m with the others. Flying isn’t really my thing.

26. Do you like someone?
Sure. Although I’m certainly not a ‘people person’, I like plenty of people.

27. The last song you listened to?
“Make Your Bed” by Dropout Year

28. What time of day were you born?
I actually have no clue. I think it was mid-morning, but I could be completely wrong on that.

29. What’s your favorite number?
I’m a fan of the number 4. Also the number 9. But not 49.

30. Where did you live in 1987?
Uh. Well I believe by the end of 1987 I was “living” in my mother’s womb with my sister… I’m not sure how premature I was, so there is a slight chance that I narrowly missed the 1987 window.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Lots of people. I can be a very green person sometimes.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
I’m not sure. Maybe.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was sitting in 8th grade science class when it happened, and was in German I when we heard on the radio that it actually happened. Then I was on my sofa for the rest of the day trying to figure out what exactly was going on.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Look around to make sure no one is present, yell a little, hit it a little, maybe try to squeeze my hand up into the machine… then I accept my defeat and get grumpy.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
I surely try to be a kind person, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
I’m getting one on my left wrist, and maybe one on my leg (the thigh-ish region).

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
German, I’ve gotten quite rusty, even though I’m still taking German courses.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes, I would.

39. Are you touchy-feely?
Depending on the mood and how much food and sleep I’ve gotten.

40. What’s your life motto?
“Everything happens for a reason.”

41. Name three things you have on you at all times:
1. Pump, Meter, Medical ID
2. Cell
3. A Ring (Either a ring I stole from my father [didn't fit him anymore] or the one Ellen gave to me)

42. What’s your favorite town/city?
I enjoy Philadelphia a whole lot.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Gas. Oy.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone
on paper and mailed it?
Woooow…. Years ago, probably back when stamps were 33cents (1999).

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yup yup.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
She has gained weight, and is dating a guy 3 years younger (in high school that is a big deal!)

47. How far back do you know your ancestry?
I’ve got nothin. My grandparents are as far back as I know, and I don’t even know them.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
We had “Suit Days” in the band at Villanova, so I wore a black suit with a burgundy shirt and nice shoes and the whole deal, to go to classes.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My finger because I burned it on the milk frothing wand at work this morning.

50. Have you ever been burned by love?
Just by myself doing stupid things.

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?
Eh… not so much, sorry y’all.

52. Where would you like to live?
I’m liking where I am at the moment. The combination between Philadelphia and Smalltown USA is a pretty good one. :-)