Risk.

When you enter the word ‘risk’ into an online dictionary, I chose the one used by dictionary.com, you receive a number of responses:

Risk:

-noun

1. exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance: It’s not worth the risk.
2. insurance
   a. the hazard or chance of loss.
   b. the degree of probability of such loss.
   c. the amount that the insurance company may lose.
   d. a person or thing with reference to the hazard involved in insuring him, her, or it.
   e. the type of loss, as life, fire, marine disaster, or earthquake, against which an insurance policy
   is drawn.

   - verb (used with object)

3. to expose to the chance of injury or loss; hazard: to risk one’s life.
4. to venture upon; take or run the chance of: to risk a fall in climbing; to risk a war.

   - idioms

5. at risk,
   a. in a dangerous situation or status; in jeopardy: families at risk in the area of the weakened dam.
   b. under financial or legal obligation; held responsible: Are individual investors at risk for the debt
   part of the real estate venture?
6. take or run a risk, to expose oneself to the chance of injury or loss; put oneself in danger; hazard; venture.

When you look at that, it’s pretty straight forward. A risk, is… well it’s the chance of exposing oneself to the chance of injury or loss. It’s right up there. Pretty straightforward, right? Well, then why are there entire fields in the professional world dedicated to measuring risk? Why is risk such a scary thing? Well, because of that chance of injury or loss.

I took a risk the other day, one that I had weighed out, had measured and walked through in my mind. All of the scenarios that could come of it, all of the possible outcomes. I thought I was prepared for anything that could be thrown back at me, but low and behold: I took a risk, and I was exposed to that chance of injury and loss. And I was both injured (emotionally), and lost a part of something that I truly enjoyed. I have since slapped a band-aid on the wound, built a bridge, and gotten over it. But for a day or two, it sorta sucked. You think you are ready for something, but as soon as you walk through that door expecting a nice fastball, you get thrown a curveball.

Then I got to thinking about more general risk. Every day, we take a risk. While some are more harmless than others, human existence is all about taking risks. Louisa May Alcott, the American novelist who authored Little Women, once said “I’m not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship” (Lessons from Mom : A Tribute to Loving Wisdom (1996) by Joan Aho Ryan, p. 69). That is what people do. They don’t fear the possibility of a storm, they know they must learn how to sail their ship, and they just do it. Crossing the street: you look both ways (hopefully), but you still take that step and accept the fact that at any point during that crossing you could be struck by a vehicle. Hopefully you weigh out that risk well enough to not get hit, but yea.

We, as diabetics, face many risks in our daily lives. Over-bolusing and going low, under-bolusing and going high, …forgetting to bolus…. cough cough…. for pumpers (mainly), everyday basal rates, exercise basal rates, sick day basal rates…. all of these add more risks to our days. Not to mention the risks that none of us want to think about: neuropathy, retinopathy, ED (ay yiy yiy that scares me), kidney problems, gastroparesis, foot problems… and that’s just to name the big ones. Those risks, while they are preventable given care is taken, are real, everyday risks. What we do today affects our lives down the road.

WordPress is currently doing updates. My post keeps getting erased. I am NOT A FAN.

So now that I’ve had my post deleted twice (and only having saved half through copy+paste), I’m writing in word. And I have since lost the drive behind this post. This happens far too much.

My basic message: Life is about risks. Take them. Don’t be afraid to get burned. Only through failure does one truly learn. And after the first, failure should not be an option. Life is about experimentation and learning. If you don’t take a risk every once in a while, you’ll be that creepy cat lady on the 13^th floor that no one wants to help with her groceries. Don’t be that lady, people. =)

Tom.

Addendum: It’s 2.50AM right now.  My sugar was 37mg/dl a few minutes ago.  It has climbed to 54 now.  But this is a first.  My entire mouth is numb.  Tongue, cheeks, gums, lips… it’s all numb.  That has never happened before, and I’ve been lower than 37 before.  No strange food has been consumed in the past 24 hours, no allergens have been in contact…  Nothing I can think of that would mess with the interior of my mouth like this.  Anyone have any ideas?  Does low sugar do that to anyone else?

Just Some Stuff.

Hey ya’ll,

This post is gonna cover a few things that have drifted through my skull in the past few days. Lows, the bodily alarm system, being different… just some stuff.

Most of the time when I go low, I simply think to myself “I feel low, I should check.” The other day when I went low, I said to myself “I feel like I am around 47. Let’s play a game.” Low and behold, I was 47. I’m not sure when this developed, but it seems as though I have been able to pinpoint my sugars fairly accurately pre-test. Not a reliable alternative, obviously, but I still think it’s kinda cool that I’ve learned how to gauge it by just the feel. Another thing that has sort of made me grin is how, aside from last night (explained later), I haven’t over-treated a low in a fairly long time, and have actually paid enough attention to curb my night time lows, instead of saying “Hey, I’m 83 before bed. Sounds good, peace out.” and simply going to bed. All of that is kinda sorta nifty to me.

Last night, I dipped a bit low (into my favorite spot it seems – the low 40’s). I remember slowly waking up covered in sweat, and just laying there; knowing something was wrong, but not being able to figure out what or move to do anything about it. I just laid there for what felt like 20 minutes thinking “Why am I awake. That was a sweet dream. I just need to go back to sleep.” After a bit, I finally figured out how to move my body in a way to extend my arm the 10 or so inches to reach my meter and test, and confirmed I was low. The next big hurdle was to get out of bed and fix it. I should keep something on the table / shelf for when I go low, I know. I just… don’t. The next bit is vague to me. I do not remember getting out of bed, but I remember running into the doorway to get to the kitchen. I don’t remember drinking chocolate syrup (???), but it was on my hand when I woke up. I don’t remember eating peanut butter, but it was on a plate on my bedside table when I woke up as well. I do vaguely remember making the decision that low sugars can only be treated in bed, though. I also remember tripping on a stair and rug-burning my knee. That all seems sort of crazy (and freakin scary) to me. Anyways, I woke up in the morning, obviously alive, and was flying extremely high around 270. Let me tell ya. That hangover effect? SUCKS.

It amazes me, though, at how well the body takes care of itself when the brain let’s out a big ol’ “Eff you.” and goes back into hibernation. The body knows that it needs to take care of itself with or without the brain’s assistance, and gets the job done eerily well. That ability to bring itself out of sleep and usually just know that your sugar is low… amazes me. Over the weekend I thought about it, and to a “normal person”, when you describe a low, I feel like they’ve got no clue how scary it can be. There are lows that make me wonder sometimes: “What would have happened if I hadn’t woken up? Who would have found me? My parents or room mates in about 7-24 hours, after I had already gone into a coma. Awesome.” Without that bodily alarm system… we would be so, for a lack of better word, screwed (yea, that isn’t the original word. Hooray for having standards!).

Tonight I had a sensation in my side that felt like a tubing tug, but my site was on the other side of my stomach. I turned to my mom and said “You know how it feels when your tubi— wait. You don’t have a pump… nevermind.” Sometimes I forget that I am different from everybody else. Being attached to this pump 24/7, it has become so ingrained in my being that it doesn’t feel like anything. I sometimes forget that not everyone carries testing supplies around with them, and that not everyone has a little plastic box in their pocket, and that not everyone knows that the odd odor they smell is insulin. Just a thought I had, and it made me sort of chuckle.

My subscription to WordPress.com’s custom CSS option has run out, and right now I simply do not have $15 to throw at it just so I can improve little things that irk me visually. I’ll need to revamp the look of the site and create a new header icon that works with that obnoxious split in the center. Should be… joyous. Just a heads-up that things could look a bit different soon.

I’m planning on getting a second tattoo at some point over the course of the summer. Placement is most likely going to be the outside of my right calf, about an inch-and-a-half to two inches above my ankle bone. Right now the only good timing seems to be in early June or early August. June would allow the required healing time, but would also allow me to be like “Hey. Check out the ink. Pretty ballin, eh?” for the entire summer. Only problem that I see with that is the financial one. It’s definitely not going to be a cheap tattoo. Early August is an iffy time too, though, as it is right after I get home from the beach (tanned, quickly dying skin?), and is close to band camp, which means turf practice, which means being outside for 2-3 hours in the sun a day, which leads into football season, which means more turf practices for the band, in the sun. So in reality, I may not be getting this ink until winter. Which makes me a very unhappy, minimally inked person right now. The intended ink is below, for all of your wonderful eyes to see. =)

I saw a movie tonight, Martian Child, and it made me think. People, for the most part, are expected to stick to a social norm that is set by who knows who. While some are able to stray from this mainstream expectation and get away with it, most people end up being drones in the machine; sticking to the humdrum of the social norm. There was a quote that John Cusack’s character said that hit me pretty hard and got me thinking about the world and how people truly interact within this social norm.

“But right now, you and me here, put together entirely of atoms, sitting on this round rock with a core of liquid iron, held down by this force that seems to trouble you, called gravity, all the while spinning around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour and whizzing through the Milkyway at 600,000 miles an hour in a universe that very well may be chasing its own tail at the speed of light; And admist all this frantic activity, fully cognizant of our own eminent demise – which is our own pretty way of saying we all know we’re gonna die – We reach out to one another. Sometimes for the sake of entity, sometimes for reasons you’re not old enough to understand yet, but a lot of the time we just reach out and expect nothing in return.”

In the movie, this was an argument as to why the child being addressed had to be so different, but the quote still makes sense to the general public. “A lot of the time we just reach out and expect nothing in return.” People in this day and age are so caught up with what they have to do in order to get ahead of the game and come out on top that they seem to forget the little things that they can do. Holding a door for a stranger, offering to help an elderly woman reach something at the grocery store, giving someone your umbrella, or even simply sharing it… in this day and age, many would consider these acts as weird or simply too minute to waste their time on. I am a firm believer of the “pay it forward” concept. When I make someone smile, that usually gives me one of the best feelings in the world.

Wow. I was actually going somewhere with that, but I was just attacked by a ginormous yawn and completely lost my train of thought. Crap. I may be back to fix this post. If not…. I guess my point was that people need to be nicer these days and reach out to people without having expectations of payment in return. What happened to the good people that do good things simply to do them. A good deed should not be done with expectations of a return. A good deed should be done to fortify a good soul, and should be completed with a smile. Sadly, though, it seems that the Age of Good Samaritans is on the way out the door, making way for the Age of Paranoid Ladder Climbers.

Something that just popped into my head. I’m living at Villanova all summer in an apartment, probably alone. I’m going to be cooking for myself a lot, in an effort to maximize income and minimize monetary output and waste. If anyone has any good meat, vegetable, whatever that is good in the summer and is healthy for you recipes… and wouldn’t mind sending a few my way, that’d be sweet. I’ve got my usual favorites for the summer, but could use some diversity this summer. Or else it will be a long summer of corn and hamburgers. Any recipes at all would be good, really. Winter food, fall food… I’ll be eating food all year… so. =) Hit me with some recipes if you wouldn’t mind.

With that, I’m going to go get some sleep.

Thanks all,
Tom.

EDIT: Turns out that I forgot to explain the tattoo within the post. The explanation was included in the image post, but not in this actual written post. Here it is: The kanji means ‘Little Sister’. The Sun and Moon combination represents our relationship as twins. There is still some work that needs to be done, including making the sun smile, and maybe making the moon more masculine somehow. Overall, though, this is pretty much it.

10,000.

It seems that I have just broke 10,000 views.  A little over a year, and here we are.  The D has been stable lately.  I had an eye appointment, and nothing bad was detected on the photographs, and my prescription has pretty much stayed the same.  So all in all, everything has been good in that sector, and in all sectors of life for that matter.  Really good. =)

I’ve got far too much to do tonight, and I was just yelled at by my mother…. ah the home life.  How I missed it…. ….                 …yea.

Tom.

D-Day 2008

Well, it’s that time of year again… it’s my 2-year D-day.

A lot has happened since my D came into the picture. I’ve had runs of good numbers, runs of horrible numbers… but mostly numbers that just get me by. I can deal with that. It’d be nice to have perfection at all times, but hey. We’re all human, aren’t we?

I was going to attempt to discuss the concept of ‘perfection’ here, but once I began writing it I realized that I’ve really got nothing to say about it. I have no experience with perfection in any facet of my life, nor do I have any idea what warrants the label of ‘perfect’ or what qualities cause a certain thing to be ‘imperfect’. So I will forgo the discussion of perfection, and simply move on. That’s something that has been happening a lot lately, moving on.

Summer is almost here. Get excited.
Tom.