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This may be a little danny-downer(is that the male equivalent of a debby-downer?), but I need to get it out, even though you all know exactly what I’m goin through. Here goes…
I wish I had never learned what momma meant when she said “I’m low.” I wish I could have continued the joke that it was “just an excuse to eat”. I wish I had never learned how to measure fluids in a syringe, never learned the techniques necessary to administer that shot. I wish I had never memorized how many carbs were in the average slice of pizza, or in a can of coke, or in a small cup of ice cream. I wish I could sit down to a meal and see the food, not numbers and graphs. I wish I had never found this circle of the blogosphere (no offense, I love you guys). I wish I could have kept my old blog, the one where I poured my teenage angst and highschool drama. I wish I didn’t know what an HbA1c test was, or what the letters D, K, and A stand for when they’re together…
I wish I never found out why people cry sometimes after they are low. When they are so low that they start to lose their vision, and when they have to fight with themselves to get that drop of blood in contact with the test strip. When those five seconds last for an eternity, when all you can think is “I can’t do this anymore.” and “I forgot to refill my sugar tablets. What do I do?”. When once you see that number and it is 23, you realize “If I had gone any lower, I don’t think I would have seen this number.” And as you wait for it to rise after shoving everything you could find into your mouth, you think about everyone you love, and your future, and you realize how much you hate the disease, and all you can do is sit in the middle of the parking lot in your car and cry. And try to hide the fact that you’re a nineteen-year-old guy sitting in the middle of a campus parking lot crying hysterically because all you can think about is how close you were to unconsciousness, with no one around who would have any clue what to do but say “Oh my God” and look around.
I wish I was still so afraid of needles that I couldn’t look at them. I wish I still thought that Minimed produced miniature medical products, and Animas had something to do with veterinary care, and Cozmo was related to telescopes and asteroids. I wish when someone mentioned the “see-saw” it still meant what it did when I was six. I wish when I saw the word “lancet” I thought it was just a typo for what knights used in jousts.
In this world of wishing, it is easy to just say run away from things in hopes that they won’t follow. While there are soldiers all over the world fighting wars with bullets and propaganda, we are all fighting our own war with needles and medical literature. I know it is childish of me to wish for these things, but sometimes it’s just easier to take a break and play the wishing game, and realize that I’ve been beaten. No… beaten doesn’t cover how I feel. I think brutalized would cover it more. Today, diabetes kicked my ass. Tomorrow… well we’ll see who wins tomorrow. All I know is that my meter is unbiased, and it says I am holding my own. If the meter had to correlate my battle with the ‘betes to a war in real life, I think it would equate to World War I. Millions dying, but both sides are at a stalemate. I like being at a stalemate. So much better than flat-out losing.
While this hasn’t been a happy post, nor has it been a very informative post, it felt good to get all of that out. If you are still reading at this point, and didn’t skip lines at a time, I congratulate you. You win a sugar-free cookie. Mmmm. :-p
Thanks all, I promise to have a good post again soon. Then again, “good” is relative. :-D
_Tom.
Naps are truly amazing things. If you have been to college, you know the power of the nap, and how necessary that thing called the “power nap” is at some times. When you think you just can’t go on for another minute, or you think you can’t take those last few steps after class… the only plausible answer is “Take a nap!”
I took a nap today. It was amazing. My numbers were making me mad, I was bored almost to tears in German Existentialism today, and there are stupid people with driver’s licenses all over Suburbadelphia. I took a nap, and it made everything better.
:-) Thank you.
PS: I am still thinking about re-doing the look and feel of my blog. Are there any features that you, my loyal readers, would like to see implemented? Suggestions, comments, praise, are all welcome. Just shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment. Or shoot me an IM if you feel so inclined. :-D Thanks again!
Today is a day that is recognized all over the world. Today is the day when we honor the dinner that was shared by the pilgrims and the Indians. Today is the day we give thanks to God for the abundance of the harvest. In modern times, today is the day where everyone stuffs themselves full of food, gets together with family to catch up and celebrate, and prepares for the madness that is called “Black Friday”. Traffic is insane, nerves are high, and people get crazy.
I ate Thanksgiving at an assisted living center with my family and Godmother. The food (most of it, at least) was awesome, but afterwards all I could think was “Jeeze. What did I just eat? How many carbs was that? Holy crap.” I had no clue. That sort of scares me, but hey. The food was great. :-) The worst part? The core family is having a legit Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow with most of the boyfriends / girlfriends of the family. So I get to do all the guesswork again tomorrow. It’s gonna be great.
So anyways… Here’s to all of you who could keep track of all the carbs you imbibed at dinner, and to all of you who can keep your numbers under tight control during the holidays… cause the Lord knows that I surely can’t.
By the way… I finally picked up “The Orange Box”, which is a computer game bundle for Half-Life 2. Most of you will not know what I’m talking about… but to those of you that do…. Portal….. amazing. Only reason I stopped playing was because I had to come home for break, and my gaming laptop is busted. With luck, I’ll be playing again by later tonight. :-) Just have to wait for it all to download onto my laptop. :-)
Hope everyone’s Thanksgiving is/was a good one. Hope none of you mom’s were too stressed out.
Peace.
we all choose to play Tag. I have been tagged twice (by Jillian and by Sandra), so I guess I should actually write this meme. Every blog I’ve looked at in hopes of being able to tag them has already been tagged… so, if you’re reading this, and you haven’t been tagged, feel free to leave a comment claiming one of my tags. And go for it. :-)
The Rules:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.
Here we go.
1. I am very shy in person until I get to know you and are completely comfortable with the situation. It is a very rare occasion when I am not shy at first. Alcohol also helps alleviate this shyness.
2. I used to build models when I was a kid (younger). I would build and paint all sorts… mostly WWII planes (both fighters and bombers) and WWI and WWII tanks. I would do research for hours figuring out exactly how they should be painted and getting the history of each model. I also used to enjoy building model rockets, and then a friend and our dads would rig them to blow up during flight.
3. I’m very protective of my friends. Even if we’re experiencing a falling out, I’m still protective. It’s kind of strange.
4. I already know how many kids I want to have, and have some names picked out. I have had dreams about these kids and my wife. I also know that I want to get a Rottweiler and name it Gunnar or Malachi.
5. I wanted to be a photojournalist when I grew up, until I realized the moral implications involved. I don’t think I could just stand by and take a picture of the crying baby sitting among the debris after a bomb went off in her house.
6. I’m pretty metro. I hate it. But, if the outfit doesn’t work, it’ll piss me off all day unless I fix it. Hate that part.
7. I started my musical career in fourth grade on saxophone. I then went to the orthodontist, got a piece, learned I could no longer play sax, and switched to drums. I’ve been happy every since. I’m about to start learning how to play mellophone. That’ll be a doozy.
Those are my seven. My tags are up for grabs. If anyone wants one, let me know and I will formally tag you. :-)
Peace.
So it is World Diabetes Day. I actually don’t have time to make a good post about it as I had planned. But, there are tons of great posts (some even have pictures!) all over the blogosphere just waiting to be checked out by all of you fine folks.
With that, I must be off. Happy World Diabetes Day!
I got a new hole put into my head this past weekend. I had been toying with the idea of getting another piercing for a while, and finally went and got it done this weekend. The new one is the rook (furthest forward slash nearest to my face). Due to the flash, my ear looks angrier than it really is. The shadows show up as red due to the nature of the ear, and all the little blood vessels contribute to the redness. It’s not really all that red, but it’s still sort of sore. :-)
Pretty much that is all that is new at the moment. I am, once again, playing with several concepts for a new tattoo. Most likely to be placed on my shoulder. Currently in the running are an eagle with a snake, a bird in flight, and… well that’s about it. But knowing me, those will be thrown out and replaced completely. It’s all still up in the air. :-)
I’ve also been thinking about revamping the color scheme of this site, and modifying some CSS elements to have some cool effects. I should be able to get that done over Thanksgiving break, or at least over Christmas break. Hopefully.
Turns out that today is D-Blog Day! It sort of crept up on me, mainly because I always forget to check everyone’s blogs, and when I do, I often forget what I read.
But yes, today is the day. Today is the day where we give praise to those keeping us informed, letting us into their worlds, those who write about their daily trials and tribulations. Today is the day we pay homage to the ones who are not afraid to draw us pictures of their days. Today is the day we all look at the community, and say “Thank you.” Today is the day we all say “Wow. Look how many of us there are now.” and the day we all remember what it was like back around diagnosis when you were freaking out and scouring the internet. Today is the day we all remember when we found the first. I found Kerri first. Then I found Scott, followed by Amy. Today I say “Thank you” to each and every one of the writers.
Today is the day we look back, and then imagine the possibilities ahead. We now have a place to meet and discuss everything that our hearts desire. We can share photographs of ourselves, our family, and our recent vacation. We have so much right at the same fingertips that tell us how we’re doing.
The internet is a beautiful thing, and the people who share their lives with us through it are even more beautiful. You guys rule.
So here’s to you, Mister Internet D-Blog guy. Those about to rock, we salute you.
Please read the post to which the image links, and feel free to post about D-Blog day on your blog, or leave a comment, or whathaveyou. Just do not forget to tell a D-Blogger how much they mean to you; I know I won’t. You guys mean the world to me. You all got me through some of the tougher times of my diabetic life, and for that I must thank you. Words just can’t get that point across strongly enough.
It’s funny, this little trait of humanity, how we have the capacity to make the same mistakes over and over again, yet never learn our lesson. While we can accomplish the task of learning a lesson for some things, there are other mistakes that we are bound to repeatedly make for what seems like eternity. We can be told that we are making said mistakes, we can say to ourselves “That is the last time.”, we can do any number of things in the hopes of preventing the re-occurrence, but it still always happens none-the-less.
Watching your friend fall for a girl who is a complete and total bitch, for instance. You can tell him to open his eyes and watch her in a pure light for a few minutes, but he will still fall for her, because she is “perfect”. This phenomenon (guys falling for bitches and girls falling for assholes) seems to be a species-specific thing. There is actually a pretty good paper online that discusses it, here. The phrase “Nice guys always finish last” seems to ring true in these situations more than ever. This friend is a really good guy, and deserves someone so much better (who also happens to be right in front of him, but dating an asshole). The irony, right?
I made a mistake tonight too. I told myself I would be able to stop myself if the situation came up again, but… well it’s history now. I have always coped with things in a strange manner. When I used to get angry at work I would clean like God was coming to visit. When I was unhappy in middle school I would turn to food. When things get to be too stressful, well, the sharp objects come out to make everything slow down for a little bit. While it is completely counter-productive, it works for that split second when it truly matters. It gets me by when it seems like nothing else ever possibly could. It gets me through those dark nights as if it were a flashlight illuminating the path before me. Horrible analogy, but it seems to fit at the moment.
Throughout high school it acted as a sort of anxiety suppressor, as well as a form of artistic inspiration. The only visual or written art that I truly appreciate and am fond of were created during or after episodes of self-injury and under high levels stress and anxiety. In college, it functions in much the same way, but I have not created any art in the past two years that I am fond of in the least. Sure, I have written some stuff, created some elaborate plot lines, but I cannot look at them and say “Hey, I like this. This is good stuff.”
Well, in news that actually matters in the here-and-now… I registered for my spring semester classes today. I got into all of the classes I hoped to except a 20th Century Military History course. I e-mailed the professor in hopes of being written in, and have not yet received a response from him. I hope I can be written into the course, because otherwise I will be taking introductory Christian Theology, not something I particularly care about. According to some who have taken the course with various professors, three everyday words will get me through it: “I”, “love”, and “God”. Joyous day. What ever happened to that whole “Neither Catholic views nor Christianity as a whole will be pushed upon you at this university” spiel? There are two Christian theology courses required! That’s a bit different. Eh, I can stumble through the Bible just as good as the next kid.
But hey. It’s 5Am. I need to get to sleep. Peace.
_Tom.
